Perfiency on Ego and Building your House

‘Building Your House on a Shaky Foundation’

“The world of ego is brittle, fragile, and insecure; it never feels really safe, and it has no lasting worth. The ego’s world dies. More often than not, it self-destructs.”

- Stuart Wilde, Silent Power

You might wonder what the heck does "ego" have to do with sales, business communication, and negotiation? The real question may be, what part of sales doesn’t the ego play some part in? The ego is useful to you in various ways, and yet it is destructive in many others. There are a number of specific situations in sales where your ego’s compulsive reactions cause you undue stress, cost you time, and most importantly, money.

Our ego’s sole purpose is to uphold the illusion that we alone, are at the center of all situations, separate from other people. The ego helps us construct a sense of self able to cope and keep it “together” in our separately complex world, otherwise we would most likely fall apart during stressful situations. Edward Edinger, M.D. speaks of our need to protect ourselves that drives our creation of a persona (Latin word for an ancient “actor’s mask”). This is our public face. When we under-identify (feel too exposed or sensitive) or over-identify (get too rigid or defensive) with this persona, we can get disconnected from what is real.

The ego is intent on creating autonomy for itself. To be separate and completely self-sufficient. If it can stay independent of any influence or power except its own, then it can retain control, never get hurt, and never be surprised. From this state, it’s impossible to be authentically curious, detached from the outcome, have a clear and high intent, and listen effectively, and empathetically. All key principles of an optimal and sustainably effective sales mindset.

There are thousands of examples of success built on the shaky, shadowy foundation of a compulsion to be good enough, smart enough and then a fear of losing it once we get to the top. I was reading last week about a successful business man living in $50 million Beverly Hills mansion who ended up dying mostly alone, and unhappy. There was no family at his bedside, just a nurse in this huge, soulless house. I was talking to a prospective new client last week that made – and lost - $10 million over the course of a couple of years, thanks to a very shaky foundation. His fall from grace, full of ego and over-compensating behavior was tragically inevitable.

The ego is very inefficient in its ability to drive high-quality sustainable business growth and ideal client engagements. Your ego can power achievement, but it cannot power sustainable relationships and optimal efficiency. The ego self is built upon more of a straw hut, than a brick building. Even if it appears solid and strong on the surface, it can crumble at any moment. It’s always at the mercy of external influences – who’s loving me, who thinks I’m great, who am I better than, am I right, am I getting validation that I’m smart, good, sexy, cool.

Even if you have your ego in check, you run into ego every day with clients and prospects. You can’t avoid it. You can better understand it and figure out how to deal with it, without getting what I call “triggered” by yourself. Remember, this is all about you maintaining a level of clarity, strength and control throughout your conversations, negotiations with prospects and clients. Beware of the ego - yours or your prospect's. It will (eventually) limit your income and fulfillment every time.

When is the ‘ego’ most useful and when isn’t it in the sales process?

Thursday, June 07, 2007  | Permalink |  Comments (1)